Today me and my boyfriend broke up. It is strange because lately everything he did made me upset and angry. I did not know why but even now I don't. A part of me of always knew that I would out grow him and that was what was happening. I figued something was up because much of last week and this week he barely say much to me when we were together or on the phone. A part of me thought he was cheating. He came over my house in the middle of the day to take out my air conditioning. I knew then that something was up because after he took out the air conditioning he just sat on the couch watching tv. When he did not leave right away I knew something was really up. He asked if I was done because he wanted to talk to me. I sat there waiting for him to say something. So I asked the question that I already knew the answer and that was if he wanted to break up with me. He said yes. It was strange because I wasn't upset, hurt or angry.  A part of me I think thought it was funny some how but I do not know why.  

       He seemed to be really upset about it. The three years that I have been with I never saw him cry. I asked him why he was so upset and be said why wouldn't he be. He said he didn't want to hurt him. Watching him cry made me teary eyed. I got up and hugged him. I did no realize until he left that it made me love him even more. I asked him questions that I needed to ask and he answered. He stopped loving me and I asked him why and he said because he didn't feeling it any more. I asked why he was so upset if he didn't love me anymore and he said that just because he didn't love me anymore didn't mean that I did not care.

      After he left I felt free and alive until reality hit me. I didn't feel anything until an hour after it happened. It was then that I realized that him asking me do I want my key back. I realized that we were really over. It was then that I cried. I was hurt and I was finally realizing it. I had realized that I love him more than I ever wanted to admit to him and to myself. That is why I didn't cry when it first happened. I think a part of me was protecting myself from being hurt. I didn't want to show that I was hurt and because it all hadn't hit me yet.

     I even thought about breaking up with him for the last week or so or longer than that because I felt he was slipping away from me. I guess that I didn't do it because I wasn't ready to let him go because I still love him even though he doesn't love me anymore. It is not the break up that hurts it is the fact that he does not love me anymore.

    He was my first everythng. I loved another for the first time and I got hurt the first time. Now I have experienced a break up. Everyone has their first real break up and I had mine. I cannot say that I would stopping love him. A part of me will always love him but I to have let him go. He was unhappy and I was uphappy for reasons that nothing to do with him or maybe something's to do with him. Maybe apart wanted more but was afraid. I think that maybe both of us changed and that is why it didn't work.  I did not want to cry but did. I will miss him.

     We are going to be friends. I am sad that he is gone but I will be okay because we ended on good terms. We didn't fight or argue about it but instead we talked about it. It just wasn't meant for us to be togehter. The funny thing about life is that it goes on even when your hearts hurts. 

        Today I am just feeling sad. I am having a hard time sleeping. I do not want to be in my apartment. I do not like that my sister has her boyfriend spending a night everynight. She claims he does not live there but I believe he does. She is a selfish person and who only cares about herself. I do not feel comfort living here anymore. When you think family should be there for you they are not. My family is never there when I need them. But, you want to know what is sad that I got use to it.  Where is anyone when you need them.

        I have major writer's block. I cannot really concentrate. I am very unhappy. I just want to feel like myself again. I do not feel pretty anymore or sexy or even appealing. I feel fat and unattractive. I feel lonely. Everytime I feel I can talk to someone I cannot. Just because I have a different thinking process and I believe in certain things. People never understand me and they never will. I just have to accept it. It does hurt but am I always hurt and always in pain. It just seems to be part of my life because my life is always full of pain. Life always brings pain.

       Have you ever felt like you were going through a phase, and that you felt there was no one you could talk to? You wonder even if it's a phase at all. It seems like no matter who I talk to no body understands what I'm going through. I just want to vent. I don't want peoples' two cents. I just want to vent. I guess I'm going to always have to resort to my journal to vent. At least my journal won't be givng me its two cents. I just hate when other people think just because they don't have major problems that other people don't. They act like noting ever fucking bothers them and that nothing is really worth stressing about. Well, they need to wake the fuck up then. People stress and get depressed that's part of life. Some people deal better than others. I think I'm gonna have to get rid of all those negative people in my life. I feel like If I can't talk to them about my problems then why the fuck are they around. I don't need them.

    I need people in my life that I can talk to. That care about me and not just about themselves. I'm so sick of talking to people that tell me to stop stressing. If it was that fucking easy everyone would do it. It's not easy. Things that are easy to certain people aren't easy to everyone else. The people that are bringing me down I'm really going to have to slowly get rid of. I got too much stress to be dealing with those kind of people. I'm in the process of venting they would only make me more irriable. They would even make me angier. I guess I'll have to continue to keep things to myself. Maybe they don't need to hear about my problems because I'm bringing them down. So I guess I'll just continue to vent through my journal writings, my stories, and poetry. It seems to help me a lot better than dealing with people anyway.

    I guess I'm just one of those poeple who would never have anyone to talk to. I guess I'm that kind of person nobody understands. All my life I've been misunderstood so why did I think it would change. I can honestly say it does hurt. The people I thought were going to be there for me let me down. They didn't listen when I needed them to. They didn't understand when I needed them to. They weren't there when I needd them the most. When I really needed a shoulder to cry on. Where were they when my whole life was falling a part? Where were they? 

           It's crazy how life takes us in different directions. Sometimes in places we thought we'd never go. Sometimes you struggle with battles, obstactles. Things that always knock you down. I'm struggling with a battle that no one can see. It's hard to broke away from it because I keep getting caught up back in it. Sometimes I have the strength but other times I fall back. I guess I need to fight harder. Sometimes life gets me down but I usually find away to get back up.

         I'm just feeling really lousy because I can't seem to get a job. I really need one. I'm really broke and I have bills to pay. I also have a room mate which is my sister. It's a really hard time for me. This year has been really tough. There were good things that happen this year but more bad things to happen than good ones. But I guess I have to look at the good things like me finally moving on my own, graduating, getting awards for my hard work and getting into college and getting a car.

      I'll find my strength, my drive again. I'll bounce back because I'm resilient. I have to be strong and not fall in a drout, not seep back into the darkness. I am sad, and apart of me is angry but somehow I know that I will get through. I will survive. I will make it.

         I'm so emotional and so lonely. I can't concentrate and sleep is hard to do. I'm so miserable. I'm in so much pain. I don't belong anywhere. I'm falling and I don't know if I'll be able to get up this time. I feel so lost and I really can't find a way back. I feel so unloved. The tears just keep coming. They flow like a waterfall. Eventually they will stop and numbness will kick in. I don't know what to say or do anymore in my relationship. Whatever I say or do is contantly wrong. The more wrong things I say the more I suppress myself. The more I crawl into my coacoon. I almost crept back into the place a used to be. I thought I was gonna black out again. If I did I don't think I would come back. On my birthday things just didn't feel right. Everything felt wrong, out of place. These last few weeks have been hell. I guess I deserve it. After all I am cursed. After my birthday everything started to go down hill. I was more moody, isolated, more lonely than I had ever been.

         Last night everything unfolded and my tears spilled out like rain. The words of my boyfriend hurt so much that I almosted cried in front of him. Instead I went into the bathroom and cried. I cried so hard. He might've heard me cry but I don't know. As I cried I felt so lonely and the pain grew even deeper. All the other stuff came rushing at me and it all hit me at once. I didn't realize how much it had hurt that my Godmother forget my birthday. It hurt a lot. It hurt that she forgot about me. Everyone forgets about me. She got married and she's happy but I figured us being close wouldn't last long. My Godsister forgot my birthday too. I'm always the forgotten one. The one everyone brushes aside like a speck of dirt.

        It seems strange a lot lately the words my boyfriend say always seem to hurt me. I'm not innonect either. I know that I say things that aren't right but I don't do them on purpose. I really wonder if he trust me. He said he only trust anyone woman to an extend. It hurt to hear him say it. But to be honest I feel the same way about men, woman, anybody. I only trust but so far. I only trust him as far as I can see him. But it still bothered me even though I felt the same way. It was just the fact that he got mad at me and gave me the cold shoulder as if I meant to make him mad on purpose. I wonder is he pushing me away because he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I'm a tough person to be with.

       After we had sex the second time last night he just rolled over and went to sleep. He didn't say a word to me. I felt used. I felt like a one nightstand. I felt so empty and loneliness drowned me right then and there. I felt so hurt that I softly cried myself to sleep. It hurt so much. I felt like I didn't mean anything to him. I don't think that pain will go away for a long time. Pain follows me like my shadow. Pain is my shadow contantly dogging my every step.

              Somehow I hoped today would have been different but who I was kidding.  I knew today wouldn't be any different than any other. I knew today would be a disaster. Today was my one year anniversary with my boyfriend. My day started off pretty okay. Then it suddenly went to hell. My boyfriend got mad me over something so little, so stupid. I wasn't ready when he came and got me. I had to run to the store really quick. But what he didn't realize that it was for him. My packages never arrived when they were supposed. They were for him for our anniversary. So you see nothing happened the way I wanted it to. I wanted today to be special but today it wasn't. I guess what did I really expect because our first day wasn't all that great. It wasn't special so why would our first anniversary be? We didn't speak but only about two words to each other during dinner over something so little. I told him I was sorry for not being ready but it didn't matter.

      Nothing ever happens the way I want it to. But him being mad at me made me get mad, but more so sad. Because I felt why did he take me out if he was mad at me. It hurts. We've been having a lot of disagreements and I wonder would that end the relationship. Sometimes I wonder why I'm in it because I don't have time or the patience to fight about stupid things, little things. Our first anniversary and he was mad at me for something little. It wasn't my fault he was having a bad day. It's just sad. I'm sad. I don't need for anybody to make me sad. I just wanted today to be argument free, disappointment free but who I was kidding I knew it would happen to me. Because when I want something to be a certain way I want it, it never turns out that way. Who was I kidding I knew it would happen to me.  

          You ever wonder what makes you so different? What makes you stand out or even if you stand out at all? Do you sometimes feel you make a mess of things? Lately I've been feeling so disconnected. I feel so lost. So lost that I wonder how I'd get back. My mind contantly somewhere else. I feel so sad and so lonely. It feels like one big burden. Sometimes I wonder if I deserve to be all alone. I realized that I just don't fit in anywhere. I'm just an odd ball I realized I had always been.

     I never felt like I should be anybody's girlfriend. I never believed I knew how to be one and especially lately I don't feel I should be. I hold mainly everthing to myself. I hold too much to myself. I have always done it.

     I wonder a lot about why he's with me. Like I said what makes me so different? I always seems to say or do the wrong things. I feel that no one will ever understand me. Sometimes I feel I live on a land all by myself. I'm so guarded and so secretive. I'm so easily hurt I realized. I don't know what to say or do anymore. I feel like I'll make things worse.

    I wonder lately who I am. I feel less and less attractive every day. I don't feel sexy as much as I use to. I always wonder if any male would ever truly understand me. Ever truely see me as I am. I guess they can't because I don't even see me. I don't even understand me anymore. I use to see so much promise now I see nothing. I don't know what changed. It's like I lost faith in myself. I feel I lost my strength, the inspiration, the drive. I feel I can't do anything right anymore.

    No matter where I go I never feel I fit or belong there. I feel so out of place and that feeling has always been there. I'm starting to forget what I want. I used to see the picture so clearly but now it's fading fast and it's hard to redraw it because it's fading too quickly.

   I guess I'm a person who should always be single because I don't think I can handle relationships. I don't think I can't grasp it or understand it. I don't how to be a girlfriend and I don't think I'm a good one. People think just because I'm a smart girl that I know everything. There's so much I don't know and I wish I did. I don't always know what to say. I don't always know how to explain the way I feel. I don't always know what to do.

   What makes me so different? What makes me stand out or if I stand out at all? What makes anyone want me?  What makes anyone take the time to look. I stand alone all by myself like a statue on display. Like a falling chuck from the sky. A speck of dirt brushed off to the side. I make a mess of everything. I feel so unpretty and my tears feel like their stained in blood because the pain that makes them red. My heart aches to a pain that never died.

   That girl in the mirror I used to see is still the girl who is looking at me. She didn't change at all. She just suppressed her pain and walked away as if it was gone and that it never existed. She was stupid to believe that pain could disappear so easily without really dealing with why it was there in the first place.

   I have always been a lost girl inside. I close my eyes and the pain seems to get deeper. Tears fall from my eyes and the pain seems to increase. Who am I? I wish I knew. The girl looking at me who is she? Why does she cry? Why is really so unhappy? Why can't she see herself? Why can't she do anything right? Where is her confidence I think she used to have? Why doesn't she know what to say anymore? Why doesn't she love herself anymore? Why doesn't she see that she's stronger than she thinks? Why doesn't she understand that life was meant to hurt her. Why can't she understand that no one will ever understand her because she doesn't understand herself? Why does she cry because she knows that pain will always be there.

  She's in the dark and the night gets even darker. She's all alone and she deserves it. She holds the world inside her heart and the pain that's with it. She was damned at birth and she's damned in death. Her tears are blood stained by pain, disappointment of herself, her family, and her boyfriend. They are stained from all the hurt she ever felt. She would never be painless, she would always be cursed by the things she did wrong. She will always be punished for her wrong doing. She will always be lost inside the void of her soul.

  What makes me so different? I'm not different all just a wounded child wounded by the world's blows. Pain always follows me. I'm so prone to pain. It almost feels like it's normal.

    What makes me so special? I'm not. What makes me so different?

              I have been sad lately but it doesn't seem to be as much as it was before. I'm actually a little happier. I moved out of my parents house which was a really good thing. I think I'm beginning to heal. There's still a lot of things that aren't resovled and probably won't. I 've been on my own for about a month. It's a freedom that I can't really describe. It feels really good to be on m own. I know it won't be easy but I believe I'll make it. I have been having a little bad luck but other things are ok like my relationship. It's going pretty good so far.  Overall I think I'm just surviving life as it comes my way.

           You ever wonder why dreams fade? And, your pain only increases. How your dreams are so close but you can't touch them. There so close you can almost taste them. There's things that always fall in between. Sometimes I wonder if dreams are only dreams. Sometimes I feel like I'm gonna go insane. My shoulders are burdened with so many things. Many of those things are unknown. I try so hard to be the person I want to be, but things always come flying at me. I constantly fall down and it's just so hard to get up. It's just so easy to just stay down. I'm always fighting unknown, unseen battles. Nobody will ever understand what I go through. People think they always have me figured out but they're not even close. They don't understand who I am, sometimes I don't even know. My patience are very, very thin, almost non-existent. It's hard to concentrate. It's hard to keep focus on anything. I feel like I'm constantly falling, falling and falling.

        Today I feel a little off centered. My mind is in all different places. I have so many things on my mind. I'm a little spaced out. I guess I'm wondering what the next chapter in my life will bring. The last chapter of my life for the most part was really good. I was alive after so long. It was great and I wonder if the next will be the same. I wonder would it be full of adventures, unspoken desires, or werid little crushes. I wonder how many more doors will open.  I wonder if friendships and relationships will last.

      I wonder if sadness will engulf me, drown me in a pool of unknown things. Will my patience wear too thin and call things of any kind quits? I know where I'm going in my life and I don't want any interrupts. I'm gonna be me and I don't care who doesn't like it. I'm tough that's all I know how to be.